I spent the end of last week stuck in Plymouth, testing a new web-based service for my place of employment. This post goes out to the in-house software development guy who left http://goatse.cx in the browser history of my test computer. Sir, you are a credit to the stereotype of IT staff.
* Ten years ago it would have been either Tolkien or Douglas Adams, but for obvious reasons both authors are no longer OK.
Filed under: Stupidity by Ben.H
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Name your quirky new band of critical darlings and their overrated debut album
Wednesday 5 July 2006
Experience the Ferocity of a Pyroclastic Flow!, by Translators from the Ukraine.
Filed under: Music, Stupidity by Ben.H
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The ever-expanding six-monthly list, May 2006.
Saturday 27 May 2006
Yet another six months have passed, so it’s time to update the list of People Or Things I Have Been Mistaken For, Or Allegedly Physically Resemble, In Increasing Order Of Ridiculousness. Two more entries.
- Don Watson
- Dylan Moran
- One of the greatest cynics of the 21st century
- Jim O’Rourke
- A jaded sex worker
- Neil Pye (Guess which one. Hint: not this one.)
- A Girl
- Lou Barlow
- Tracy [sic] Emmin [sic]
- Harry Potter (Not this one, pity.)
- Russell Crowe
- Ben Lee
- Brian Kennedy
- The MMM-FM Fugitive
- Shit
- Terence Trent D’Arby
Filed under: Self-promotion, Stupidity by Ben.H
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Short, Stupid Thursday
Thursday 4 May 2006
I’m still working through a backlog of stuff, but after the longish writeups of Samuel Beckett and Tate Modern (and too much time spent dicking around with pictures of John Hurt) it’s time for a few, short, stupid posts to break up the routine. See them below: one, two, three.
Filed under: Stupidity by Ben.H
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A Close Call (contains exaggeration, spurious praise of deity, sentence fragment)
Thursday 4 May 2006
I woke in a cold sweat last night and had to get online to check my blog again, convinced that somewhere in my discussion of Monet and Rothko I had used the word ‘diaphanous’. False alarm, thank god.
Filed under: Stupidity by Ben.H
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You sick bastard
Thursday 4 May 2006
Someone visited this site searching for “Denise Drysdale tits“. I’m speechless.
Filed under: Stupidity by Ben.H
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Name your Japanese hip hop posse
Thursday 4 May 2006
Urgent Ditsy Casual Pack
Filed under: Music, Stupidity by Ben.H
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Liveblogging the BBC radio coverage of the Melbourne Commonwealth Games opening ceremony
Wednesday 15 March 2006
- Melbourne is so up for this.
- It’s very famous, I haven’t seen it.
- This is the precursor to what is going to happen next.
- It’s a tremdous opportunity to soak up the experience.
- They are what they are.
- Melburnians will come to watch any event.
Then, the broadcast suddenly stopped after half an hour and they switched to a phone-in about hosepipe bans.
Fun fact: the Australian national anthem was written by a Scotsman, who was paid 100 pounds by the government. I didn’t know that.
UPDATE: Intersecting Lines gives a first-hand account of the festivities – more details, more accurate.
Filed under: Journalism, Stupidity by Ben.H
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Name your ironic, Pavement-type indie band
Saturday 11 March 2006
- The Licensed Heroes
- Sex Yacht Wiki
Filed under: Music, Stupidity by Ben.H
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Great News in The War on Terror
Tuesday 28 February 2006
Back in July when bombers struck London, the custodians of the building I work in swung into immediate action, and by October had stuck signs in the lifts warning us to be careful.
Today, I came in bright and early as is my usual habit, to find that the Islamic-Chicos-cum-Ghostbusters-logo has now been removed, which I guess means that cheap laminated signs have seen off the Islamofascist threat for now.
Well done, everyone! Together, our vigilance and steadfastness has made our world only slightly less dangerous than it was before.
Filed under: Stupidity by Ben.H
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But when barrel-scraping stage musicals became known to more and more people, the demands to do something about Ben Elton became louder and louder…
Sunday 19 February 2006
So it’s come to this. Lord knows there’s enough crappy musicals plaguing the surfeit of fleapit theatres that infest London’s west end. Not content with Abba tribute shows, Queen tribute shows, Billy Joel tribute shows, and Joe Dolce tribute shows, the West End is racing to the bottom in a desperate bid to take more money from dazed tourists still punchdrunk from the currency exchange rate. I spotted this down the pub:
At first I thought, “Wow, two hours of Eagle Rock played over and over”, but then I noticed the tiny print below the big title and my heart sank. Apparently it tells the story of a young man who hangs out with Rasputin, Ma Ba(r)ker, Ross Wilson and baby Jesus. Please note that it says “love and music”, not “love of music.”
Previews start on 26 April, so hurry! Australians will eat this shit up too. Americans are less likely to get it (in more than one sense).
Worse still, it’s not just Boney M but other bands created by musical genius Frank Farian – this includes Milli Vanilli. Yes, the little blue flyer promises that punters will get to “Girl You Know It’s True”, but doesn’t mention that for the first time ever, you will actually see someone really sing it. Although this is true of all the blokey bits in Boney M’s oeuvre as well.
It’s worth reading the interview with Farian about the show, if only for the choice quote, “I can’t make a comedy, it doesn’t go with our songs.” More importantly, it reveals the Boney M no-one remembers, such as their mid-80s attempt at prog-rock, and the long lost TV special…
which Farian says was called Boney M Lost the M. “What was the plot of that?” He shakes his head. “The story was Boney M lost the M. It was a very low-budget film.”
Think about it: it failed to meet Frank Farian’s standards. I need to see this.
Filed under: Music, Stupidity by Ben.H
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Sport, drinking: two things you grow to wish you weren’t so good at
Monday 13 February 2006
England is a relatively cold country which gets snowed on regularly. Australia is relatively hot and 99% of the population must travel if they are to see snow at all.
England (although reluctant to admit it) is part of Europe, birthplace of all Olympic winter sports. Australia is about as far away from Europe as you can get without leaving orbit, and has no representation in most Olympic winter sports.
British TV has started showing winter Olympics events from Turin without much fanfare on the BBC digital channels. I have heard no speculation in the media about any British medal prospects. Australian network TV has been, based on past experience, heavily promoting its round-the-clock Olympics coverage for weeks in advance. There will be detailed evaluation of Australia’s slim hopes of fluking another gold medal, which is regarded as a genuine achievement rather than a humorous anomaly.
The returning Australian atheletes will get a parade. The returning British atheletes will not, but anyone winning a gold medal will get an MBE. Even with an MBE, the British will have lower expectations of being taken seriously than the Australians.
The BBC is runing ads explaining to people what a luge is. Australians have known what a luge is for years and spent the past week debating Zoeggeler’s chances of winning.
However, Scottish TV will still skip episodes of The Sopranos to show the local curling playoffs instead.
I hope I’m starting to sound more like an expatriate but really, I’m only in it for the babes.
Filed under: Stupidity by Ben.H
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There are no stupid questions, only stupid people
Thursday 26 January 2006
“Are you going to be long in there?” Dude, she’s in an instant photo booth – I think you can wait.
Filed under: Stupidity by Ben.H
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Masons in Distress!
Friday 20 January 2006
Filed under: Stupidity by Ben.H
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Filler by Proxy XXIX: Where spam comes from
Friday 20 January 2006
Do you ever get spam from dodgy Nigerians who have millions of dollars lying around the place, but need your help to get it out of the country? Sure you do. But have you ever wondered what sort of person writes and sends this stuff to you? Teju Cole has met one while sitting in an internet cafe in Lagos.
The man seated next to me my first time at Tomsed was composing a message by the hunt and peck method. He pressed one letter on the keyboard, searched for the next, pressed that one, and so on. It was his one-fingered technique that attracted my attention, but when my eye alighted – not entirely accidentally – on his text, I caught my breath. The man was composing a 419 letter. A real-live scam artist sitting next to me. The words were as expected: “transfer”, “dear friend”, “deposited into your account forthwith.” So this was the origin of all that flotsam.
They don’t use your banking details, by the way. The idea behind the scam is to nickel-and-dime you on “unexpected” banking and legal fees to allegedly grease the wheels of Nigerian finance. You can find out more about the 419 scam, and some creative ways of dealing with it, here and especially here. Meet the person who actually got some money out of a Nigerian conman!
