The mummified corpse of Jeremy Bentham reads inter-office emails.

Wednesday 7 March 2007

The mummified corpse of Jeremy Bentham reads inter-office emails.

Saturday 24 February 2007

Will I regret not spending an hour travelling out to Croydon last night to pay 28 pounds to see Steven Seagal play guitar with his blues band?

Monday 22 January 2007

No.

Leo Sayer’s quest for acolytes continues unfulfilled, for now.

Wednesday 17 January 2007

I can’t believe it’s been over a year since I last wrote about Leo Sayer. Someone, equally incredulous, just wrote to me to say, “I can’t believe you haven’t posted about Celebrity Big Brother yet,” as if I’m the sort of person who watches much TV besides darts. I had no idea what the anonymous well-wisher was driving at, until I remembered who one of this year’s contestants was: the former pop star who moved to Australia with the immortal words…

I don’t know how much luck he’s had inspiring the youth of Australia, but he’s been back in the UK trying to engender veneration from the likes of Ken Russell and Face from The A Team. Sadly, it seems Australia is still a more enlightened place than Borehamwood, because he’s already quit the show, “after knocking down a door with a shovel.” And he’d run out of clean underpants. Paul McCartney was right about saints. Happy now, Anonymous?

Update Your CV!

Monday 18 December 2006

Congratulations on being chosen Time magazine’s Person of the Year! Use your powers wisely. And spare a thought for the ad executives about to get fired for thinking up this ad for Chrysler, after it spent millions of dollars securing sole sponsorship for this issue of the magazine.

Yours sincerely,
Ben.H
Time Magazine Person of the Year, 2006.

Filler by Proxy XLII: I just spent fifty pounds to stand around in some godforsaken town freezing my arse off pointlessly arguing with someone.

Monday 27 November 2006

Via Straight From The Tated . If he’s anything like me, God has Prince Charles, Camilla Parker-Bowles, a Chinese man in an ambulance, and Elizabeth Montgomery on His fridge.

Advanced East London anti-war campaigning techniques

Monday 9 October 2006

The real reason the war in Iraq is still going. Also, a rare sighting of the old Blogspot banner.

Fucking with things you don’t understand

Tuesday 5 September 2006

On Tuesday, Australia’s federal parliament paused to honour Mr Irwin, whom Prime Minister John Howard said had died in “quintessentially Australian circumstances”.

Name your crap garage band by recycling concepts from two of my unfinished blog posts.

Monday 28 August 2006

Defibrillator Chicken

I Want To Believe

Monday 7 August 2006

Meddlesome anorak that I am, I just looked back in on the Wikipedia entry for Jeremy Bentham to see how my little edit was going. It’s been re-edited, already. According to whoever violated my impeccable scholarship, the notorious Auto-Icon really, truly, ruly is wheeled in to Council meetings. Not being a member of the College, I’ll have to take their word for it.

Just what the world needs

Tuesday 25 July 2006

I have finally made my first edit to a Wikipedia article. Of course, it concerns you know who…

Mars hasn’t replied to my webmail suggesting a follow-up edition called Blame Bars

Tuesday 11 July 2006

These have arrived in my corner shop just in time for the end of the World Cup, which I suppose this was supposed to commemorate. More specifically, to commemorate the England World Cup effort – although I expect these were sold in Wales, Scotland etc as well. By ‘effort’, I mean England’s quadrennial ritual of hubris, complacency, whitewash, arrogance, denial, despondency, fingerpointing, scapegoating, infighting, xenophobia and general self-loathing. I’d say it’s a cack to watch but H.M. Government has my passport right now so I’ll keep quiet until they can’t kick me out of the country.
Unfortunately, I don’t think these will get discounted now it’s all over.
Baby Boromir is posing with the credulous snack atop an old paperback edition of Boswell by Stanley Elkin, which I haven’t quite finished yet but it would have to suddenly turn inconceivably crap for me to dislike it.

Because renaming the server after a Terry Pratchett* character is so five minutes ago

Monday 10 July 2006

I spent the end of last week stuck in Plymouth, testing a new web-based service for my place of employment. This post goes out to the in-house software development guy who left http://goatse.cx in the browser history of my test computer. Sir, you are a credit to the stereotype of IT staff.

* Ten years ago it would have been either Tolkien or Douglas Adams, but for obvious reasons both authors are no longer OK.

Name your quirky new band of critical darlings and their overrated debut album

Wednesday 5 July 2006

Experience the Ferocity of a Pyroclastic Flow!, by Translators from the Ukraine.

The ever-expanding six-monthly list, May 2006.

Saturday 27 May 2006

Yet another six months have passed, so it’s time to update the list of People Or Things I Have Been Mistaken For, Or Allegedly Physically Resemble, In Increasing Order Of Ridiculousness. Two more entries.