The Eurovision Song Contest Drinking Game, 2007 Edition

Thursday 10 May 2007

Previously posted editions of the Eurovision Song Contest Drinking Game are now superseded by this, hopefully more user-friendly, edition for the 2007 contest.

Phase One: The Performances
A. Every instance within a song:
The Dramatic Key Change. Whenever the singers dramatically change key during the final chorus.
The Buck’s Fizz. Whenever performer(s) sheds a piece of clothing – once only on every instance, whether executed by an individual or as a group. Finish your drink if the clothing loss is obviously unintentional.
The TaTu. Finish your drink if the audience boos (on telly, not in the living room.) Hopefully this year we won’t be rendered near unconscious by an audience that was incredibly up themselves – we’re considering renaming this one ‘The Greeks”.
B. Once per song only:
Is That English? Whenever someone notices that the singers have switched from their native language into English in an attempt to win more votes. Two drinks if they try to dodge the language issue by intentionally singing gibberish.
The Fine Cotton. Any appearance by mercenary singers flown in to represent a foreign country. Two drinks if they’re Irish.
Las Ketchup and the Waves. A country drags a legitimate, real-life one-hit wonder out of obscurity in the hope that name recognition can buy them some points. This is additional to the Fine Cotton.
The Cultural Rainbow. Every time an entrant blatantly rips off last year’s winning performance, which, considering last year’s winners, could be quite amusing if anyone attempts it this time. Finish your drink if last year’s winning country rips itself off.
The Wandering Minstrel. Unless it’s a solo guitar or piano, Eurovision insists on backing tapes – it’s in the rules, so don’t accuse some entrants of cheating. I got this point completely the wrong way round when explaining it last year, but the essential point is the same: take a drink if performers pretend to play a musical instrument (or simulacrum thereof) as part of the choreography. A second drink is permitted if a subsequent, different wave of faux-minstrely rises after the first has subsided.
Don’t Mention The War. The German entrant sings something about everyone being happy. Judging from recent years this one is being phased out in favour of…
Don’t Mention The Wall. The Israeli entrant sings something about everyone being happy.
My Lovely Horse. Any obvious indication that a country is deliberately trying to lose, to avoid budgetary/logistical problems of hosting the event next year.
ADVANCED PLAYERS ONLY:
The San Remo. Any occurence of visible armpits and/or pointing at nothing in particular. Two drinks for an unshaved armpit.
The White Suit. Self-explanatory.

Phase Two: The Voting
The Wardrobe Change. Each time the female host changes frocks. Two drinks if the male host changes suits.
The Gimme. When Greece gives twelve points to Cyprus.
The Old Europe. When the UK gets null points from France.
The New Europe. When the Baltic states all vote for each other.
The Sympathy Vote. When anything sung in French first gets a point, and/or the last country without any points finally gets off the mark. A special toast to any country left with zero points at the end.
The “Viktor, You Very Unattractive Fellow.” Two drinks if the hosts speak in rhyme and/or pretend to flirt with each other. Finish your drink if the flirting is serious.
SOBER PLAYERS ONLY: The voting now moves along too quickly for most people to keep up with the following by this stage of the evening, but you can try.
The Hurry-Up. Every time the announcer from each voting country is politely asked by the hosts to shut the fuck up (“Can we have your votes please?”). Two drinks if the announcer tries to deliver a personal message to a relative watching at home.
The Sandra Sully. Each time an announcer fucks up the voting results. Two drinks if they get so confused they have to start over.
The Sally Field. Each time they show contestants backstage during the voting looking genuinely surprised and pleased with themselves when they get the same politically-motivated votes they get every year.
The Master of Suspense. It looks like everyone got the memo, so this rarely happens now: each time an announcer fails to understand that the pause for suspense only works if they announce the twelve points and then the country that has won them – not the other way around.

The wildcards
A person must finish their drink if they ask: (a) why Israel is in it; (b) why Italy isn’t in it; or (c) where the hell is Moldova?
A toast to the first person who expresses dismay when they realise how long the voting is going to take.
A toast to the person who gets so drunk you have to secretly call a cab and persuade them they ordered it when it arrives.