Countdown to Eurovision (2): Meet the losers

Thursday 11 May 2006

Although the website gives you full sound and video of each of the competing songs, I prefer to take my Eurovision without warning or expectation, and advise virgin viewers to do the same. It is useful, however, to identify the country with the longest odds of winning: it serves as a focal point for the evening, and as a yardstick of consensus badness by which the other entrants may be appreciated. If you’re lucky, it may also set the scene for an Alf Poier-like boilover in the voting to help get you through the long, dark, latter half of the event.
This year’s bottom rung (100-1) is occupied by Moldova, who lucked their way into the final with last year’s drumming granny stunt. This year they’ve retreated into Wayne and Wanda territory with a song written by a concussed 4-year-old trying to recite a Ricky Martin number:

Every night I need my Loca
Every night I need her boca
Every night I need my Loco
Need him crazy just un poco

There are several countries with worse odds, but which may not qualify for the final. Absolute bottom (150-1) is Portugal, with a girl group singing a song composed by a Nigerian email scammer: they are GONNA MAKE YOU SMILE IN ALL CAPS:

I’LL MAKE YOU STOP THINKING SAD THINGS FOR A WHILE
AND EVERYTHING WAITS WHEN YOU’RE DANCING IN STYLE
I’M GONNA MAKE YOU DANCE
MAKE IT WITH STYLE

Judging from the typography they’re going to yell the entire song, presumably concluding with a cry of “this are perfectly 100% legal”.